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A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He downs it extremely quickly. He then orders and drinks another shot in the same manner. The bartender says, "Dude, you shouldn't drink that so quickly". The man says, "You would if you had what I have." The bartender asks, "What do you have?" The man says, "50 cents!", slams his change on the counter and runs out.
Q: What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute ...
A: ... A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
A: ... A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Splinters
If you don't tell anybody that I have a wooden dick, then I won't tell anyone that you've got splinters in your teeth.
If you don't tell anybody that I have a wooden dick, then I won't tell anyone that you've got splinters in your teeth.
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT!
Las Vegas Coke Machine
A blonde goes to a casino in Las Vegas and puts a dollar in a coke machine.
She puts another dollar in and gets another coke.
She does this 2 more times.
Finally the guy behind her says "Hey lady, do you think I could use the machine?"
The blonde turns around and says "F**k off!! Can't you see I'm winning??"
A blonde goes to a casino in Las Vegas and puts a dollar in a coke machine.
She puts another dollar in and gets another coke.
She does this 2 more times.
Finally the guy behind her says "Hey lady, do you think I could use the machine?"
The blonde turns around and says "F**k off!! Can't you see I'm winning??"
Loterry
A husband asks his wife, "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"
The wife replies "Take half and leave your ass!"
"Okay, I won $12 take $6 and get the hell out!"
A husband asks his wife, "Honey, what would you do if I won the lottery?"
The wife replies "Take half and leave your ass!"
"Okay, I won $12 take $6 and get the hell out!"
What A Guy Normally Does To A Girl
The guy who sweeps you off your feet is in the perfect position to drop you on your butt.
The guy who sweeps you off your feet is in the perfect position to drop you on your butt.
Roses are red
Flowers are blue
The lower the skirt
The better the view
Flowers are blue
The lower the skirt
The better the view
B.J. Titsengolf
A woman walked up to a lonely man in a bar. She said "Hi, my name is Carmen". He said, "That's a pretty name". "Is it a family name?" She said "No, I gave it to myself. It's what I like best, cars and men", she then asked, "What's your name?" He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf"
A woman walked up to a lonely man in a bar. She said "Hi, my name is Carmen". He said, "That's a pretty name". "Is it a family name?" She said "No, I gave it to myself. It's what I like best, cars and men", she then asked, "What's your name?" He replied, "B.J. Titsengolf"
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