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"I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don't have as many people who believe it."
-George Carlin
-George Carlin
"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal", Thou shalt not commit adultery" and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment."
-George Carlin
-George Carlin
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
-George Carlin
-George Carlin
"Technology frightens me to death. It's designed by engineers to impress other engineers, and they always come with instruction booklets that are written by engineers for other engineers - which is why almost no technology ever works."
-John Cleese
-John Cleese
"The one thing I remember about Christmas was that my father used to take me out in a boat about ten miles offshore on Christmas Day, and I used to have to swim back. Extraordinary. It was a ritual. Mind you, that wasn't the hard part. The difficult bit was getting out of the sack."
-John Cleese
-John Cleese
"If God did not intend for us to eat animals, then why did he make them out of meat?"
-John Cleese
-John Cleese
"I find it rather easy to portray a businessman. Being bland, rather cruel, and incompetent comes naturally to me."
-John Cleese
-John Cleese
"I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
-Emo Philips
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
-Emo Philips
"I ran three miles today. Finally I said, "Lady take your purse."
-Emo Philips
-Emo Philips
"At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass away free and charge five dollars for the second glass. The refill contained the antidote."
-Emo Philps
-Emo Philps
Showing 1471 to 1480 of 1502 jokes.
