Submitted Jokes -
The following jokes were submitted for your enjoyment by luvstar214.
Bob The Chicken
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'
Bob came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber..
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Bob....'
Bob was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'
St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'
Bob was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home.... The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.
A rooster strolled past.. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Bob the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before? '
'Never,' said Bob.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'
Bob did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!
Bob was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....
BOB, wake up. You shit the bed!'
Weather Man
It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says,
‘Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?’ -- and prompty slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, ‘Who was that?’ The husband replies. ‘I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’
It's two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife are asleep, when suddenly the phone rings. The husband picks up the phone and says,
‘Hello?... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?’ -- and prompty slams the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, ‘Who was that?’ The husband replies. ‘I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear.’
The Dwarves
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!’ all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on.’ The second dwarf shook his head. ‘You think that's embarrassing?’ ‘I couldn't even get on the fucking bed
Two dwarfs go into a bar, where they pick up two prostitutes and take them to their separate hotel rooms.
The first dwarf, however, is unable to get an erection. His depression is made worse by the fact that, from the next room, he hears his little friend shouting out cries of ‘Here I come again ...ONE, TWO, THREE...UUH!’ all night long.
In the morning, the second dwarf asks the first, ‘How did it go?’ The first mutters, ‘It was so embarrassing. I simply couldn't get a hard on.’ The second dwarf shook his head. ‘You think that's embarrassing?’ ‘I couldn't even get on the fucking bed
Aging Annie
Aging Annie was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Joe. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Joe's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
‘On a woman,’ the doctor said, ‘your heart would be just below your left breast.’
Later that night, Annie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
Aging Annie was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Joe. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death. Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Joe's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to someone, she called her doctor to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
‘On a woman,’ the doctor said, ‘your heart would be just below your left breast.’
Later that night, Annie was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.
