Submitted Jokes -
The following jokes were submitted for your enjoyment by PsychoTwiggy.
Funny Accents.
Two men were driving through the city and they stopped at a grocery store. One went in, and said, "can I have some taters?", and the guy at the counter said, "you must be from virginia."
So the guy buying potatoes said, "how can ya tell?" "i can tell from your accent!"
So the guy ran out of the store and told his friend, "that guy knew i was from virginia cause of ma accent!!!" then his friend said, "ooh, let me try!"
So they drove to another store, the guy ran in and said, "can i have some taters?" and the guy at the counter said, "oh, you must be from west virginia." "but how can you tell?" "well, sir, this is a hardware store."
Two men were driving through the city and they stopped at a grocery store. One went in, and said, "can I have some taters?", and the guy at the counter said, "you must be from virginia."
So the guy buying potatoes said, "how can ya tell?" "i can tell from your accent!"
So the guy ran out of the store and told his friend, "that guy knew i was from virginia cause of ma accent!!!" then his friend said, "ooh, let me try!"
So they drove to another store, the guy ran in and said, "can i have some taters?" and the guy at the counter said, "oh, you must be from west virginia." "but how can you tell?" "well, sir, this is a hardware store."
CANDY!!!
Yo momma so stupid, she tried to put m and m's in alphabetical order. You're so stupid, you got her some skittles to make it harder. I'm so smart, I just ate 'em.
Yo momma so stupid, she tried to put m and m's in alphabetical order. You're so stupid, you got her some skittles to make it harder. I'm so smart, I just ate 'em.
Lawyers
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes. The judge said "Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100." The lawyer stood up and said "Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you'd allow him a few minutes in the crowd..."
Bad Driver
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."
Shmart
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied, "No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."
Sorry, we are closed.
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine A.M." came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine A.M.?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine A.M.!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
Dogs Cats and Potatoes
A blonde, brunette and a redhead rob a bank. So they run to hide. The brunette hides in a pile of dogs in cages. The redhead hides in a pile of cats in cages. The blonde hides in a pile of potatoes. The cops walk by the dog cages the brunette says woof. Nothin but dogs the cops said. They walk by the cat cages. The redhead says meow. Nothin but cats the cops said. As they walk by the pile of potatoes the blonde says potatoe.
A blonde, brunette and a redhead rob a bank. So they run to hide. The brunette hides in a pile of dogs in cages. The redhead hides in a pile of cats in cages. The blonde hides in a pile of potatoes. The cops walk by the dog cages the brunette says woof. Nothin but dogs the cops said. They walk by the cat cages. The redhead says meow. Nothin but cats the cops said. As they walk by the pile of potatoes the blonde says potatoe.
(no title)
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"
Archery Class
So this guy was practicing archery, and he sucked at it. He was kind of retarded though, and didn't realize it. He saw his target, which was actually moving.
"see, I'm advanced. They got me a moving target. :D" so he shot at it, and suprisingly hit his target! He was so exited, he took off running and didn't stop until he got home to tell his wife.
The next day, he got sued by this woman who seemed extremely upset by something. He was brought to a hospital, and then had to go to a room with a teenager in it who had a huge scar on him. The guy asked him what was wrong and he said, "oh, some bloke shot me with an arrow yesterday. My mum said she was gonna sue him for it. By the way yesterday was my birthday, my friend got me this awesome shirt with a target picture on it."
So this guy was practicing archery, and he sucked at it. He was kind of retarded though, and didn't realize it. He saw his target, which was actually moving.
"see, I'm advanced. They got me a moving target. :D" so he shot at it, and suprisingly hit his target! He was so exited, he took off running and didn't stop until he got home to tell his wife.
The next day, he got sued by this woman who seemed extremely upset by something. He was brought to a hospital, and then had to go to a room with a teenager in it who had a huge scar on him. The guy asked him what was wrong and he said, "oh, some bloke shot me with an arrow yesterday. My mum said she was gonna sue him for it. By the way yesterday was my birthday, my friend got me this awesome shirt with a target picture on it."
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