Favorite Jokes -
These are Person's favorite jokes, check them out.
A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan.
Juan on Juan.
Free Beer
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar.
FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS OUR TEST!
So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the whole thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there. Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"
He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body. "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
Lawyers
A boy at a bar stands up and says "All lawyers are assholes", another guy stands up and says "I'm offended by that". The boy asks, "Are you a lawyer?" and the man says, "No, I'm an asshole."
A boy at a bar stands up and says "All lawyers are assholes", another guy stands up and says "I'm offended by that". The boy asks, "Are you a lawyer?" and the man says, "No, I'm an asshole."
Afraid Not
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one goes to get the drinks but the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here."
So the second piece goes to get the drinks and the bartender shuts him down just as he did the first string. The third piece thinks for a second, then he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His friends begin tho think he's gone completely nuts. Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Look here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
Three pieces of string walk into a bar. The first one goes to get the drinks but the bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your kind here."
So the second piece goes to get the drinks and the bartender shuts him down just as he did the first string. The third piece thinks for a second, then he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His friends begin tho think he's gone completely nuts. Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Look here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies, "No. I'm a frayed knot."
Lucky Guys
One day three guys, Dave, Ryan, & Mark, were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says, "Tell you what; I don't feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I'll let you go." The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says "Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there." Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. "Almost there!" and Mark unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says "Well, I guess that’s close enough. I'll let you guys go anyway." so she goes back to her car and drives off.
The guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys, "Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher." and Ryan says "Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!" and Mark goes "Man, you guys are lucky I had a boner!"
One day three guys, Dave, Ryan, & Mark, were driving down to Florida for spring break when they get pulled over for speeding. The cop is a woman, and she looks at the three guys and says, "Tell you what; I don't feel like writing up a report today, so if you boys can show me 20 inches of meat, I'll let you go." The guys agree and step out of the car. Dave unzips his pants and shows the cop his 10 incher. the cop says "Wow Impressive! 10 inches, almost there." Then Ryan unzips his pants, and flashes his 7 incher. "Almost there!" and Mark unzips his pants and pulls out his 2 incher. The cop says "Well, I guess that’s close enough. I'll let you guys go anyway." so she goes back to her car and drives off.
The guys get back in their car and drive off. Dave says to the other guys, "Man you guys are lucky I had my 10 incher." and Ryan says "Well you guys are lucky I had my 7 incher!" and Mark goes "Man, you guys are lucky I had a boner!"
Cardiologist's Funeral
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
A cardiologist died and was given an elaborate funeral.
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the service Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When all eyes stared at him, he said, "I'm sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist."
The proctologist fainted.
What do you say to a black man in a 3 piece suit?
Will the defendant please rise.
Will the defendant please rise.
McDonald's Momma
Yo momma is so fat, when she walks into McDonald's they ask her what she doesn't want.
Yo momma is so fat, when she walks into McDonald's they ask her what she doesn't want.
Letter From Grandma
One day I recieved a letter from grandma... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach ". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma
One day I recieved a letter from grandma... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach ". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma
Thumb Sucking
The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing! "
The following is a true story. There was this little kid who had a bad habit of sucking his thumb. His mother finally told him that if he didn't stop sucking his thumb, he'd get fat. Two weeks later, his mother had her friends over for a game of bridge. The boy points to an obviously pregnant woman and says, "Ah, ha! I know what you've been doing! "
One day a lady walked into the doctor's office. She said, "Doctor, I have a farting problem. I fart all the time. They don't smell, and they're silent. They don't even bother me! In fact, I have farted 20 times since I have entered this room, and you didn't even know! Do you have a diagnosis?"
The doctor gave the lady some pills and sent her on her way.
A week later, the lady returns and says,"Doctor, what pills did you give me?! Now when I fart, they stink!"
The doctor replied, "Great, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing"
The doctor gave the lady some pills and sent her on her way.
A week later, the lady returns and says,"Doctor, what pills did you give me?! Now when I fart, they stink!"
The doctor replied, "Great, now that we have your sinuses cleared up, let's work on your hearing"
What do you call a Mexican in a Porsche?
Valet parking.
Valet parking.
Benefits Of Alzheimer's Disease
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting
5. You never have to watch reruns on television.
4. You are always meeting new people.
3. You don't have to remember the whines and complaints of your spouse.
2. You can hide your own Easter eggs.
1. Mysteries are always interesting
Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."
"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away."
"I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."
Magic Mirror
At this bar there was a magic mirror and if you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
At this bar there was a magic mirror and if you told a lie it would suck you in.
One day a brunette walked into this bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
The next day a redhead walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think I'm the most beautiful woman in the world' and it sucked her in.
Then the next day a blond walked into the bar. She walked up to the mirror and said 'I think...' and it sucked her in.
Mental Help
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are Co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have Multiple Personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6. If you are Paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are Delusional, press 7, your call will be transfered to the Mothership. If you are Schizophrenic, listen carefully, and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are Manic Depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway. If you are Dyslexic, press 96969696969696. If you have a Nervous Disorder, please fidget with the Pound Button until a representative comes on the line. If you have Amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names. If you have Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, slowly and carefully press 911. If you have Bi-Polar Disorder, please leave a message after the beep. Or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, please try your call again later. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our representatives are busy.
Three men die and go to heaven. When they get to the pearly gates, St. Peter asks them each one question: "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" The first one answers "Never!" St. Peter checks the books, discovers the man is correct and gives him a Rolls-Royce to drive during his stay in heaven. The second man answers "Oh, about 25-30 times." He is given a Ford Pinto and sent on his way. The third man answers "Maybe 400-500 times" and is assigned a bicycle. A few months later, the three meet up and the Pinto driver, and the bicycle rider notice the Rolls-Royce man has a long drawn-out sad look on his face. Puzzled, the other two query him as to "why the sad face?".Mr. Rolls just looked at them and said, "I just saw my wife, she was on a skateboard!"
Plane Crash
On board an airplane are a rich, greedy man, a nun, Michael Jackson, and 100 unaccompanied children. Suddenly, the left engine bursts into flames, and the plane starts to plummet to the ground:
Rich Man: We've got to use these three parachutes to escape! It's the only way we are going to live!
Nun: But what about the children?!?
Rich Man: F*ck the children.
Michael Jackson: Do we have time?
On board an airplane are a rich, greedy man, a nun, Michael Jackson, and 100 unaccompanied children. Suddenly, the left engine bursts into flames, and the plane starts to plummet to the ground:
Rich Man: We've got to use these three parachutes to escape! It's the only way we are going to live!
Nun: But what about the children?!?
Rich Man: F*ck the children.
Michael Jackson: Do we have time?
Farting
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar. Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, "ATTENTION ALL" and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, "Excuse me, you just farted before my wife."
The drunks replies, "I'm sorry I didn't know it was her turn."
Older woman vs police
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see... Can I see your vehicle's registration please."
Older Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Older Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see... Can I see your vehicle's registration please."
Older Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Older Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
My Unbelievable Job
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
My job is so fucking unbelievable. I'll try to sum it up by first telling you about the folks I work with:
First, there is this supermodel wanna-be chick. Yeah, okay, she is pretty hot, but damn is she completely useless. The girl is constantly fixing her hair or putting on makeup. She is extremely self-centered and has never once considered the needs or wants of anyone but herself. She is as dumb as a box of rocks, and I still find it surprising that she has enough brain power to continue to breathe.
The next chick is completely the opposite. She might even be one of the smartest people on the planet. Her career opportunities are endless, and yet she is here with us. She is a zero on a scale of 1 to 10. I'm not sure she even showers, much less shaves her "womanly" parts. I think she might be a lesbian, because every time we drive by the hardware store, she moans like a cat in heat.
But the jewel of the crowd has got to be the fucking stoner. And this guy is more than just your average pothead. In fact, he is baked before he comes to work, during work, and I'm sure after work. He probably hasn't been sober anytime in the last ten years, and he's only 22. He dresses like a beatnik throwback from the 1960's, and to make things worse, he brings his big fucking dog to work. Every fucking day I have to look at this huge Great Dane walk around half-stoned from the second-hand smoke. Hell, sometimes I even think it's trying to talk with its constant bellowing. Also, both of them are constantly hungry, requiring multiple stops to McDonalds and Burger King, every single fucking day.
Anyway, I drive these fucktards around in my van and we solve mysteries and shit.
I have the brain of a German Shepard and the body of 16-year-old boy. They’re both in my car and I want you to see them.
-Bob Saget
-Bob Saget
Roshambo
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"
I understand that Scissors can beat Paper, and I get how Rock can beat Scissors, but there's no fucking way Paper can beat Rock. Paper is supposed to magically wrap around Rock leaving it immobile? Why the hell can't paper do this to scissors? Screw scissors, why can't paper do this to people? Why isn't notebook paper constantly suffocating students while they take notes in class? I'll tell you why: because paper can't beat anybody; a rock would tear that shit up in 2 seconds. When I play rock/paper/scissors, I always choose rock. Then when somebody claims to beat me with their paper I can punch them in the face with my already clenched fist and say, "Oh shit, I'm sorry. I thought paper would protect you, you asshole!"
A beautiful blond is going on her first trip. She steps on the plane and seats herself in business class. The air hostess goes to her and, very politely, tells her to move to her assigned seat in economy class. The blond refused, saying "I'm blond and beautiful, going to Miami. I deserve to sit here and I will not move".
The air hostess was taken aback and called another for help, but no one could make her move.
Eventually the entire cabin went and asked the co-pilot to help. He went to her and explained, "Ma'am, you paid for economy class and you have to sit in your assigned seat. This seat is reserved for someone who paid for business class. If you don't move we will have to have you arrested when we land". Again she refused.
The main pilot feels sorry for her, and decides he will try. He goes to her, whispers in her ear and she says "Oh, I'm sorry then." and she got up and moved to her assigned seat. The crew was dumbfounded and later asked him what he said. He replied, "Oh it was easy, I just told her that seat wasn't going to Miami"
The air hostess was taken aback and called another for help, but no one could make her move.
Eventually the entire cabin went and asked the co-pilot to help. He went to her and explained, "Ma'am, you paid for economy class and you have to sit in your assigned seat. This seat is reserved for someone who paid for business class. If you don't move we will have to have you arrested when we land". Again she refused.
The main pilot feels sorry for her, and decides he will try. He goes to her, whispers in her ear and she says "Oh, I'm sorry then." and she got up and moved to her assigned seat. The crew was dumbfounded and later asked him what he said. He replied, "Oh it was easy, I just told her that seat wasn't going to Miami"
Excuse Notes
The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:
"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."
"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."
The following notes from parents excusing their children from attending school have been around a while but if you haven't seen them, I'm sure you will get a kick out of them:
"Please excuse Freddie from being away yesterday because he had the fuel."
"Please accuse Michael from being absent on January 30 because he was aleing."
"George was absent yesterday because of a sore trout."
"Please excuse Betsey from being absent. She was sick and I had her shot."
"Joseph has been absent becuz he had two teeth taken off his face."
"My son is under doctor's care and should not take fisical education. Please execute him."
"Please excuse Ralph from school on Friday. He had very loose vowels."
Do writers put any thing on their signs when they are on strike?
A man walks along a lonely beach. Suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG! He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG! So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN! Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO! Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE! So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27! He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26. The deep voice says: SHIT!
Birthday Suprise
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy birthday" and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning let alone happy birthday.
I thought... Well that's marrige for you but the kids will remember, my kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and somewhat depressed.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said " Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said "You know it's such a beautiful day, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
I said "Thanks Jane that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But not where we would normally go. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said "You know it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said "Lets go back to my appartment"
After arriving at her place Jane turned to me and said "I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment, I'll be right back"
"OK" I replied nervously.
After a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, kids and dozens of friends, all singing "Happy Birthday"
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...
Last week was my birthday and I didn't feel very well waking up that morning. I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy birthday" and possibly have a present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning let alone happy birthday.
I thought... Well that's marrige for you but the kids will remember, my kids ate breakfast and didn't say a word.
So when I left for the office I was feeling pretty low and somewhat depressed.
As I walked into my office, my secretary, Jane said " Good morning boss, happy birthday!" It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o'clock and then Jane knocked on my door and said "You know it's such a beautiful day, and it's your birthday, let's go out to lunch, just you and me".
I said "Thanks Jane that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go!"
We went to lunch. But not where we would normally go. We had two martinis each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office Jane said "You know it's such a beautiful day... We don't have to go back to the office, do we?"
I responded "I guess not. What do you have in mind?"
She said "Lets go back to my appartment"
After arriving at her place Jane turned to me and said "I'm going to step into the bedroom for a moment, I'll be right back"
"OK" I replied nervously.
After a couple of minutes she came out carrying a huge birthday cake, followed by my wife, kids and dozens of friends, all singing "Happy Birthday"
And I just sat there...
On the couch...
Naked...
Sickipedia
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid with two friends?
Four Catholic Ladies
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
Four Catholic ladies are having coffee together. The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic woman chirps, "My son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "My son is a Cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic woman sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her this subtle "Well.....?" She replies, "My son is a gorgeous, 6'2", hard bodied stripper. When he walks into a room, people say, 'Oh my God...'."
One day a tomato and a potato were racing and tomato was winning so it said " hey potato Ketchup!"
Folding Items
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle. "
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it? "
"A fottle", replies the inventor.
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else? "
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton. "
"And what do you call that? " asks the clerk. "A farton ", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that! "
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket. "
This man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs. He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle. "
"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it? "
"A fottle", replies the inventor.
"A fottle? That's a stupid! Can't you think of something else? "
"I can think about it. I've got something else though. It's a folding carton. "
"And what do you call that? " asks the clerk. "A farton ", replies the inventor. "That's rude. You can't possibly call it that! "
"In that case," says the inventor... "You're really going to hate the name of my folding bucket. "
Homeless
Today I realized Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs about the sewers, beats people up for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.
Today I realized Mario is definitely homeless. He wakes up every day wearing the same clothes, runs about the sewers, beats people up for their money, and what does he spend it on? Mushrooms.
ducks
Q: why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: to stamp out burning fires
Q: why do elephants have flat feet?
A: to stamp out burning ducks
Q: why do ducks have webbed feet?
A: to stamp out burning fires
Q: why do elephants have flat feet?
A: to stamp out burning ducks
Civilized Burn
Lady: If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your coffee.
Churchill: If I was your husband, madam, I would drink it.
Lady: If I was your wife, sir, I would poison your coffee.
Churchill: If I was your husband, madam, I would drink it.
Sex
Sex is a sensation caused by a temptation,
For a guy to stick his location into a girl's destination,
To increase the population for the next generation.
Do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
Sex is a sensation caused by a temptation,
For a guy to stick his location into a girl's destination,
To increase the population for the next generation.
Do you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?
Oops...
Claude the hypnotist was standing in front of an audience, talking about his talent.
"Tonight, I am going to hypnotise every one of you with this beautiful antique watch which has been in my family for generations. Now what I want you all to do is follow the watch with your eyes..."
Gradually the audience became mesmirised.
Suddenly, Claude's watch slipped through his fingers and smashed onto the floor.
"SHIT!" he exclaimed loudly.
It took a month to completely clean the hall.
Claude the hypnotist was standing in front of an audience, talking about his talent.
"Tonight, I am going to hypnotise every one of you with this beautiful antique watch which has been in my family for generations. Now what I want you all to do is follow the watch with your eyes..."
Gradually the audience became mesmirised.
Suddenly, Claude's watch slipped through his fingers and smashed onto the floor.
"SHIT!" he exclaimed loudly.
It took a month to completely clean the hall.
Lie Detector
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school, Dad." Robot slaps the son. "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend's house!" "What dvd?" "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again. "Ok, it was porn" cries the son. Dad yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad. Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom...
Dad buys a LIE DETECTOR ROBOT which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner. "Son, where were you today?" The son says "at school, Dad." Robot slaps the son. "Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend's house!" "What dvd?" "Toy Story." Robot slaps the son again. "Ok, it was porn" cries the son. Dad yells "What? When I was your age I didn't know what porn was!" Robot then slaps the dad. Mom laughs "HaHaHa! He's certainly YOUR son." Robot then slaps the mom...
