Favorite Jokes -
These are Chloe2114's favorite jokes, check them out.
The Circle
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"
Forgetful Bartender joke
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the bartender tells him he owes $9.00.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the bartender, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barkeep replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to drink high-balls when, suddenly, the bartender leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."
Soldier
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The next day Billy tells his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking
One day at the end of class little Billy's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story....
The next day Billy tells his story....
"My dad fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more, but the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands"
Teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Billy replies, "Yeah... don't mess with my dad when he's been drinking
Three people were on a boat. A Mexican guy, a Chinese guy and a white guy. The Chinese one throws off some rice and says "There are too many of you in my country". The Mexican then throws a tortilla and says, "There are too many of you in my country". Then the white guy throws the Mexican overboard and says "There there are to many of you in my country".
Two women friends had a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten a little over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didn't want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.
One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.
Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and didn't want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.
After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said: 'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!'
'That's nothing' said the other husband, 'Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said.....
'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.''
"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"
"Someone"
"Someone who?"
"Someone who can't reach the doorbell"
"Who's there?"
"Someone"
"Someone who?"
"Someone who can't reach the doorbell"
Muffins
There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin says, "Holy shit it's hot in here". Then the other muffin screams, "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
There are two muffins in the oven. One muffin says, "Holy shit it's hot in here". Then the other muffin screams, "Holy shit a talking muffin!"
What begins with F and ends with UCK?
Firetruck.
What begins with p and ends with orn?
Popcorn.
Firetruck.
What begins with p and ends with orn?
Popcorn.
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God."
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love."
"Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this. "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny thinks for a minute and says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first.
He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!', but fortunately Dad was on top of her holding her down.
Bait
What do you catch a tiger with?
Tiger-bait
What do you catch a bear with?
Bear-bait
What do you catch a fish with?
Fish-bait
What do you catch an eye master with?
Eye master-bait
What do you catch a tiger with?
Tiger-bait
What do you catch a bear with?
Bear-bait
What do you catch a fish with?
Fish-bait
What do you catch an eye master with?
Eye master-bait
Cool as a Cucumber
There is a cucumber, an avocado, and a penis. The cucumber says, "I have it bad, they cut me up and put me in salads."
The avocado says, "No, I have it bad, they mash me up and serve me with chips."
So then the penis says, "Hell no! I have it bad, they put a plastic bag over my head and cram me into a dark hole until I puke all over myself!"
There is a cucumber, an avocado, and a penis. The cucumber says, "I have it bad, they cut me up and put me in salads."
The avocado says, "No, I have it bad, they mash me up and serve me with chips."
So then the penis says, "Hell no! I have it bad, they put a plastic bag over my head and cram me into a dark hole until I puke all over myself!"
Shower
One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, "Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down."So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, "Woo mama! What are those?"She says, "Those are my headlights." The kid says "Ahh."Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, "Woo mama! What is that?" and she replies back with, "That is my garage." The kid says "Ahh."The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap,he drops it. When he picks it up he says, "Woo daddy! What is that?" The father replies back, "That's my limousine."That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, "Sure, just don't look under the covers."Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says "Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!"
One day a kid asks his mom if he can take a shower with her. She says, "Sure son, but don't look up and don't look down."So they're taking a shower and the kid reaches up for the soap and he says, "Woo mama! What are those?"She says, "Those are my headlights." The kid says "Ahh."Then he drops the soap and bends down to get it and he says, "Woo mama! What is that?" and she replies back with, "That is my garage." The kid says "Ahh."The next day he asks his dad if he can take a shower with him. The kid does. As he's scrubbing himself with the soap,he drops it. When he picks it up he says, "Woo daddy! What is that?" The father replies back, "That's my limousine."That night he asks his parents if he could sleep with them and they say, "Sure, just don't look under the covers."Then in the middle of the night he decides to take a peek. And he says "Wooo mama! Look, daddy is parking his limousine in your garage!"
Little Johnny came home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." Johnny's mother quietly took him by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom, and closed the door. She said, "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse..." Little Johnny unbuttoned her blouse and took it off. She continued, "Now take off my skirt..." He removed her skirt. "Take off my bra..." which he did. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny had finished removing his mother's panties, she said, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!
Jesus Is Watching You
A thief broke into a home and started to take all the valuables. As he was going for the jewelry he heard a sound. "Jesus is watching you." Shaking his head, the thief continued to take the valuables, promising himself a long vacation after this house. When he finished taking the jewelry, he heard again "Jesus is watching you." Stunned, the thief walked over to the sound and saw a parrot in a cage. The parrot said "Jesus is watching you."
The thief said "Hey you! What's your name?"
The parrot replied "Moses."
"Moses?!" the thief laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird replies, "The same people who would name a rottweiler Jesus"
A thief broke into a home and started to take all the valuables. As he was going for the jewelry he heard a sound. "Jesus is watching you." Shaking his head, the thief continued to take the valuables, promising himself a long vacation after this house. When he finished taking the jewelry, he heard again "Jesus is watching you." Stunned, the thief walked over to the sound and saw a parrot in a cage. The parrot said "Jesus is watching you."
The thief said "Hey you! What's your name?"
The parrot replied "Moses."
"Moses?!" the thief laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird replies, "The same people who would name a rottweiler Jesus"
