Favorite Jokes -
These are JokeMasterLOLZ's favorite jokes, check them out.
"Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?"
-George Carlin
-George Carlin
Ping Pong
A king is sitting on his throne one day and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his servant to send out for a person to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one million dollars.
So his servant announces this to the kingdom and everyone rushes out. The first man walks into the king's castle and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The king is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the man to step aside, and wait for the others turn.
Another man brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The king is astonished, and says to the man, "Wow! That's a humongous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last person's ball!"
The next man starts pushing this HUGE, hairy , bloody, brown thing into the kings castle. The king jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"
The man replies, "Ping pong ball? Ping pong ball? I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"
A king is sitting on his throne one day and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his servant to send out for a person to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one million dollars.
So his servant announces this to the kingdom and everyone rushes out. The first man walks into the king's castle and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The king is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the man to step aside, and wait for the others turn.
Another man brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The king is astonished, and says to the man, "Wow! That's a humongous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last person's ball!"
The next man starts pushing this HUGE, hairy , bloody, brown thing into the kings castle. The king jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"
The man replies, "Ping pong ball? Ping pong ball? I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"
Horse Play
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
What do you call someone who can speak 2 languages? Bilingual.
What do you call someone who can speak 3 languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who can only speak 1 language? An American!
What do you call someone who can speak 3 languages? Trilingual.
What do you call someone who can only speak 1 language? An American!
Womba
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Womba?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for Womba. The tribe starts screaming Womba! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorer's pants off and has violent anal sex with him.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Womba?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming Womba! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guy's pants off and has even more violent anal sex with him.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Womba?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY Womba!"
Three explorers are captured by a tribe in the Amazon jungle. The chief is going to punish the intruders.
He calls the first explorer to the front of the tribe and asks, "Death or Womba?" Well the explorer doesn't want to die, so he opts for Womba. The tribe starts screaming Womba! and dancing around. the chief then rips the explorer's pants off and has violent anal sex with him.
The chief calls the second explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Womba?" Well not wanting to die either, he opts for booka. The tribe again starts screaming Womba! and dancing around. The chief rips the second guy's pants off and has even more violent anal sex with him.
The chief calls the third explorer to the front and asks, "Death or Womba?" Well the third guy has a little more self respect and thinks death would be better than being violated in front of hundreds of tribesman, so he opts for death.
The chief turns to the tribe and screams "DEATH BY Womba!"
Yo momma is so stupid she locked her keys in a moped.
"Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!"
-Dave Chappelle
-Dave Chappelle
The Cat
Read each line out loud without mistakes.
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is retard cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is 40 cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now read the third word in each line starting at the top.
Read each line out loud without mistakes.
This is this cat.
This is is cat.
This is how cat.
This is to cat.
This is keep cat.
This is a cat.
This is retard cat.
This is busy cat.
This is for cat.
This is 40 cat.
This is seconds cat.
Now read the third word in each line starting at the top.
Impossible
"If anyone ever tells you anything is possible, tell them to slam a revolving door."
-Anonymous
"If anyone ever tells you anything is possible, tell them to slam a revolving door."
-Anonymous
Child Custody
A man and woman decide to get a divorce. So they go to court to decide who will have custody of the children.
The mother says "I think I should keep the children since I brought them into the world!"
The father then replies to the jury. "Yes, but when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a chocolate bar comes out. Is the chocolate mine or the machines?"
A man and woman decide to get a divorce. So they go to court to decide who will have custody of the children.
The mother says "I think I should keep the children since I brought them into the world!"
The father then replies to the jury. "Yes, but when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a chocolate bar comes out. Is the chocolate mine or the machines?"
Michael Jackson And The Xbox
Q: How are Michael Jackson and an Xbox alike?
A: They go from black to white and little boys turn them on!
Q: How are Michael Jackson and an Xbox alike?
A: They go from black to white and little boys turn them on!
Chuck Norris
One day, Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after several days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
One day, Chuck Norris was bitten by a cobra and after several days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Letter From Grandma
One day I recieved a letter from grandma... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach ". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma
One day I recieved a letter from grandma... The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a "honk if you love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper. Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience followed! I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is and I didn't notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love Jesus! While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, "For the love of GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus! Everyone started honking! I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a "sunny beach ". I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant, he said that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or someething. Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing. He was enjoying this religious experience, too! A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I atttended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed. So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and I felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks! Grandma
The Period
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported
Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period. " "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself. "
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported
Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period. " "Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself. "
Black Sheep
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.
One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
The professor replied, "No, Chief. You're mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, what we in the civilized world call an albino! Look at that field over there. All of the sheep are white except for one black one. Nature does this on occasion."
The chief was silent for a moment, then said, "Tell you what. You don't say anything more about that sheep and I won't say anything more about that white child."
The Aliens
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near an abandoned gas station. They approached one of the gas pumps, and one of the aliens addressed it.
"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pumps of course, didn't respond. The alien repeated the greeting. Again there was no response. The alien, annoyed by what he perceived to be the gas pumps haughty attitude, drew his ray gun, and said impatiently, "Greetings earthling. We come in peace. How dare you ignore us in this way! Take us to your leader, or I'll fire!"
The other alien shouted to his comrade, "No, you don't want to make him mad!" But before he finished his warning, the first alien fired.
There was a huge explosion that blew both of them 200 meters into the desert, where they landed in a heap rather abruptly. When they finally regained consciousness, the one who fired turned to the other one and said, "What a ferocious creature. It damn near killed us! How did you know it was so dangerous?"
The other alien answered, "If there's one thing I've learned during my travels through the galaxy, when a guy has a penis he can wrap around himself twice and then stick it in his own ear, you don't mess with him."
Dog Shit
Two Russian guys are walking through the woods when hunting and one noticed somethig that looked like dog crap.
"Whats that?"
"Looks like dog shit."
"Smell it."
"What?!"
"SMELL IT!"
"Ok ok! I smell it..."
So he smelled it and said, "Smells
like dog shit."
"Ok, pick up, make sure"
"WHAT!?"
"PICK IT UP"
"Ok ok I pick it up..."
"Feels like dog shit."
"Dont know.... Taste it."
"Whaa--"
"TASTE IT!!!!!!!!"
"Da, tastes like dog shit. We go now, ehh?"
"Da. Is dog shit. Good thing we don't step in it."
Two Russian guys are walking through the woods when hunting and one noticed somethig that looked like dog crap.
"Whats that?"
"Looks like dog shit."
"Smell it."
"What?!"
"SMELL IT!"
"Ok ok! I smell it..."
So he smelled it and said, "Smells
like dog shit."
"Ok, pick up, make sure"
"WHAT!?"
"PICK IT UP"
"Ok ok I pick it up..."
"Feels like dog shit."
"Dont know.... Taste it."
"Whaa--"
"TASTE IT!!!!!!!!"
"Da, tastes like dog shit. We go now, ehh?"
"Da. Is dog shit. Good thing we don't step in it."
Twit face
Did you hear about the rumour that Youtube, Twitter and Facebook will merge into one site ?
It will be called you-twit-face
Did you hear about the rumour that Youtube, Twitter and Facebook will merge into one site ?
It will be called you-twit-face
Hello ?
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well, then, Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said
"Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead take it out..." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ...
"Well. Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it Close to her lips, tentatively said.
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother overseas.
When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
"I don't have any money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well, then, Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
"Come in and close the door" the man said. She did.
He then said
"Now get on your knees." She did.
"Now take down my zipper." She did.
"Now go ahead take it out..." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands.
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ...
"Well. Go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it Close to her lips, tentatively said.
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
Good Lives
There was a high school reunion and four old friends found each other and started to talk. One of them got up to go to the bathroom.
The 3 started asking each other about their lives.
The first man said, "Fabulous, I have a son that started his own company. He gave a million dollars to his friend."
They asked the 2nd guy about his life and he said, "Great I have a son and he owns an airline. He gave one of his friends an airplane."
They asked the 3rd guy and he said "My life is stupendous, my son has 10 mansions and gave 1 of them to his friend."
The 4th guy came back and his old friends asked him how his life was and he said, "It's ok, my son is gay." His friends say they're sorry for him and he says "I don't mind, last week it was his birthday and he got an airplane, a million dollars, and a mansion from his 3 boyfriends."
There was a high school reunion and four old friends found each other and started to talk. One of them got up to go to the bathroom.
The 3 started asking each other about their lives.
The first man said, "Fabulous, I have a son that started his own company. He gave a million dollars to his friend."
They asked the 2nd guy about his life and he said, "Great I have a son and he owns an airline. He gave one of his friends an airplane."
They asked the 3rd guy and he said "My life is stupendous, my son has 10 mansions and gave 1 of them to his friend."
The 4th guy came back and his old friends asked him how his life was and he said, "It's ok, my son is gay." His friends say they're sorry for him and he says "I don't mind, last week it was his birthday and he got an airplane, a million dollars, and a mansion from his 3 boyfriends."
4 Men In A Prison Cell
1 Rapist
1 Murderer
1 Psycho
1 Gay
Rapist : If there was a cat here I would fuck it till it dies.
Murderer : Once you're done with it, I'd torture it to death.
Psycho : Ooh Yeah and once it's dead, I'd fuck it till i die.
The Gay in the corner softly n slowly says: Meeeowww
1 Rapist
1 Murderer
1 Psycho
1 Gay
Rapist : If there was a cat here I would fuck it till it dies.
Murderer : Once you're done with it, I'd torture it to death.
Psycho : Ooh Yeah and once it's dead, I'd fuck it till i die.
The Gay in the corner softly n slowly says: Meeeowww
Oops
A man and his wife are going to Florida on vacation. The airlines mess up their flight plans and the husband has to fly a day before the wife.
He gets to Florida and decides to send his wife an email to let her know he is okay. He accidentally types the wrong email address and it goes to an elderly woman who's husband has just died.
She reads the message and five minutes later her son finds her fainted on the floor. Confused, he looks at the computer screen and sees the message.
"Hey, my adorable wife. I made it down here safely. God damn, it's hot though. I can't wait for you to get here tomorrow.
Love, your husband"
A man and his wife are going to Florida on vacation. The airlines mess up their flight plans and the husband has to fly a day before the wife.
He gets to Florida and decides to send his wife an email to let her know he is okay. He accidentally types the wrong email address and it goes to an elderly woman who's husband has just died.
She reads the message and five minutes later her son finds her fainted on the floor. Confused, he looks at the computer screen and sees the message.
"Hey, my adorable wife. I made it down here safely. God damn, it's hot though. I can't wait for you to get here tomorrow.
Love, your husband"
Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris knows the last number of pi.
Chuck Norris counted to infinite.... Twice.
Chuck Norris was defeated by Bruce Lee only to feel what defeat was like.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris knows the last number of pi.
Chuck Norris counted to infinite.... Twice.
Chuck Norris was defeated by Bruce Lee only to feel what defeat was like.
Chuck Norris can believe it's not butter.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books, he stares them down until he gets the information he needs.
Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding.
Smoking
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size.
He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there, waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, ‘Thanks for offering, but you know I don't smoke.’
A man is very ashamed of his penis because of the size.
He has an extremely small penis and doesn't want his girlfriend to dump him when she sees the size.
One night when he and his girlfriend are making out in a dark corner he decides he will show her.
The man unzips his pants, whips out his small dick, and shoves it into her hand.
He sits there, waiting to see her reaction.
His girlfriend says, ‘Thanks for offering, but you know I don't smoke.’
Plane Crash
On board an airplane are a rich, greedy man, a nun, Michael Jackson, and 100 unaccompanied children. Suddenly, the left engine bursts into flames, and the plane starts to plummet to the ground:
Rich Man: We've got to use these three parachutes to escape! It's the only way we are going to live!
Nun: But what about the children?!?
Rich Man: F*ck the children.
Michael Jackson: Do we have time?
On board an airplane are a rich, greedy man, a nun, Michael Jackson, and 100 unaccompanied children. Suddenly, the left engine bursts into flames, and the plane starts to plummet to the ground:
Rich Man: We've got to use these three parachutes to escape! It's the only way we are going to live!
Nun: But what about the children?!?
Rich Man: F*ck the children.
Michael Jackson: Do we have time?
Older woman vs police
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see... Can I see your vehicle's registration please."
Older Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Older Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
An older lady gets pulled over for speeding.
Older Woman: "Is there a problem, Officer?"
Officer: "Ma'am, you were speeding."
Older Woman: "Oh, I see."
Officer: "Can I see your license please?"
Older Woman: "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."
Officer: "Don't have one?"
Older Woman: "Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving."
Officer: "I see... Can I see your vehicle's registration please."
Older Woman: "I can't do that."
Officer: "Why not?"
Older Woman: "I stole this car."
Officer: "Stole it?"
Older Woman: "Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner."
Officer: "You what?"
Older Woman: "His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see."
The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Officer 2: "Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!" The woman steps out of her vehicle.
Older woman: "Is there a problem sir?"
Officer 2: "One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."
Older Woman: "Murdered the owner?"
Officer 2: "Yes, would you open the trunk of your car, please."
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Officer 2: "Is this your car, ma'am?"
Older Woman: "Yes, of course, here are the registration papers." The officer is quite stunned.
Officer 2: "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license."
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a driver's license and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.
Officer 2: "Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner."
Older Woman: "Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too."
