Favorite Jokes -
These are PsychoTwiggy's favorite jokes, check them out.
Some Facebook Statuses
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
Christmas
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.So when you look at the facts we can only come to one conclusion about Santa... don't let children read this next sentence...Santa is one fucking incredible bastard!
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000 of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house. Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks. This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them-Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch).600,000 tons travelling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance-this would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short, they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporised within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip.Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo.So when you look at the facts we can only come to one conclusion about Santa... don't let children read this next sentence...Santa is one fucking incredible bastard!
When I Come Back...
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
In this life I'm a woman.
In my next life, I'd like to come back as a bear. When you're a bear, you get to hibernate.
You do nothing but sleep for six months. I could deal with that. Before you hibernate, you're supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that, too.
When you're a girl bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you're sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you're a mama bear, everyone knows you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you're a bear, your mate EXPECTS you to wake up growling. He EXPECTS that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup... gonna be a bear.
Dark Sense Of Humour....
Sexually Transmitted Diseases and zombie viruses are more alike than you thought.
Prevention is everything, once you get it, you got it for the rest of your life.
Sexually Transmitted Diseases and zombie viruses are more alike than you thought.
Prevention is everything, once you get it, you got it for the rest of your life.
A Poem I Made Up. :3
Look out zombies are hiding in the shade.
Go get a plank and put up a barricade!
Hide now or get your face eaten.
Pick up a gun and best you start shootin'.
Now go run away.
Cause you won't live another day.
Find your way into that forest.
Though look out for that zombie nest.
Try not to quickly die.
Since we'll just pass on by.
After we take all your stuff.
Oh how your death was so rough.
Look out zombies are hiding in the shade.
Go get a plank and put up a barricade!
Hide now or get your face eaten.
Pick up a gun and best you start shootin'.
Now go run away.
Cause you won't live another day.
Find your way into that forest.
Though look out for that zombie nest.
Try not to quickly die.
Since we'll just pass on by.
After we take all your stuff.
Oh how your death was so rough.
Disney Is Scary...
Disney's movies are strange...
Snow White encourages giving midgets nicknames...
Cinderella, as long as your hot you can find happiness in life...
Hunchback of Notre Dame, if your ugly and deformed with amazing climbing and singing skills, you don't get the girl cause only the man in shining armour gets her.
Disney's movies are strange...
Snow White encourages giving midgets nicknames...
Cinderella, as long as your hot you can find happiness in life...
Hunchback of Notre Dame, if your ugly and deformed with amazing climbing and singing skills, you don't get the girl cause only the man in shining armour gets her.
So True
Most told lies:
1. I have read the terms and conditions
2. I like your new haircut
3. I will love you forever
4. I'm fine
5. Oh, I get it!
6. No way! That dress doesn't make you look fat!
7. I don't like like anyone! I swear!
8. No you can't have that piece, it's my last
9. I didn't do it!!!
10. Yes, I have finished all of my homework
11. I already have a prom date
Most told lies:
1. I have read the terms and conditions
2. I like your new haircut
3. I will love you forever
4. I'm fine
5. Oh, I get it!
6. No way! That dress doesn't make you look fat!
7. I don't like like anyone! I swear!
8. No you can't have that piece, it's my last
9. I didn't do it!!!
10. Yes, I have finished all of my homework
11. I already have a prom date
More Yes-ness
How to be epic:
1. Enter random store
2. Ask someone what year it is.
3. When someone answers run out of the store yelling "YES, IT WORKED!!!"
How to be epic:
1. Enter random store
2. Ask someone what year it is.
3. When someone answers run out of the store yelling "YES, IT WORKED!!!"
