Misc -

Dad

If I had a pound for every time my dad called me a failure....I wouldn't be a failure anymore

Cards You'll Never See In Hallmark

"Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife. " "How could two people as beautiful you have such an ugly baby? " "I've always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, I've changed my mind. " "I must admit, you brought Religion in my life. I never believed in Hell til I met you. " "Looking back over the years that we've been together, I can't help but wonder: What was I thinking? " "As the days go by, I think of how lucky I am that you're not here to ruin it for me. " "If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope it's your sister. " "As you grow older, Mom, I think of all the gifts you've given me. Like the need for therapy... " "Thanks for being a part of my life!!!I never knew what evil was before this! " "Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would like to take this knife out of my back. You'll probably need it again. " "Someday I hope to get married, but not to you. " "Sorry things didn't work out, but I can't handle guys with boobs that are bigger than mine. " "Happy Birthday! You look great for your age... Almost Lifelike! "When we were together, you always said you'd die for me. Now that we've broke up, I think it's time you kept your promise. " "I knew the day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So here's his leash, water bowl and chew toys. " "We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits. " "I'm so miserable without you, it's almost like you're here. " "Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was? " "You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket.... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often. " "Your friends and I wanted to do something special for your birthday ---so we're having you put to sleep. " "Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!! " (available only in Arkansas)"

Friday The 13th

It's Friday the thirteenth, and I just wanted to let you know that all those times you stepped on a crack and broke your mothers back? Well, that was me pounding her back with a hammer. Now that you have kids, your mother will be at peace at last.

The Scent Of Your Dreams

1:Hey! Wanna smell my new perfume?

2:Sure, what kind is it? *sniff*

1:Chloroform

Died

Gaddafi, Bin Laden and Kim Jong Il have all died this year.

Maybe Team America does exist...