Mature -
Adult oriented jokes
Horse Play
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!
A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.
Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
Chicken and the Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
Ping Pong
A king is sitting on his throne one day and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his servant to send out for a person to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one million dollars.
So his servant announces this to the kingdom and everyone rushes out. The first man walks into the king's castle and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The king is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the man to step aside, and wait for the others turn.
Another man brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The king is astonished, and says to the man, "Wow! That's a humongous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last person's ball!"
The next man starts pushing this HUGE, hairy , bloody, brown thing into the kings castle. The king jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"
The man replies, "Ping pong ball? Ping pong ball? I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"
A king is sitting on his throne one day and is bored out of his mind. He decides to make a contest to kill his boredom. He tells his servant to send out for a person to find the biggest ping pong ball and the reward would be one million dollars.
So his servant announces this to the kingdom and everyone rushes out. The first man walks into the king's castle and has a huge ball 2 feet long. The king is in shock and says, "That is a huge ping pong ball." He tells the man to step aside, and wait for the others turn.
Another man brings a ping pong ball 4 feet long. The king is astonished, and says to the man, "Wow! That's a humongous ball. I think you'll probably be the winner, but lets wait to see the last person's ball!"
The next man starts pushing this HUGE, hairy , bloody, brown thing into the kings castle. The king jumps up and screams, "Good god man! What kind of ping pong ball is that?"
The man replies, "Ping pong ball? Ping pong ball? I thought you said KING KONG'S BALLS?!?"
Q: How do you know when your wife is dead.
A: There are dishes in the sink and the sex is the same.
A: There are dishes in the sink and the sex is the same.
What's the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
One farts when you pull your meat out.
One farts when you pull your meat out.
What is big, long, and full of semen? A submarine.
The Bumblebee
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumblebee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina.
The woman started screaming "Oh my God, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!" The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation.
The doctor thought for a moment and said "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit." The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina.
The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my penis I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina. The husband nodded and gave his approval.
The young lady said "Yes, Yes, whatever, just get on with it." So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper." So the doctor went deeper and deeper.
After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement. She began to moan and groan aloud. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself, he then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.
The husband at this point suddenly became very annoyed and shouted, "Now wait a minute! What the Hell do you think you're doing?"
The doctor, still concentrating, replied, "Change of plan. I'm gonna drown the bastard!"
Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years.
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Finally sick of the stress he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible.
He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.
After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door.
He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.
''Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night.. Thought you might like to come. About 5:00."
"Great", says Tom, "After six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Lars is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem," says Tom. "After 25 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Well, I get along with people, I'll be all right. I'll be there. Thanks again."
"More'n likely be some wild sex, too,"
"Now that's really not a problem," says Tom, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?"
"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."
Bob and his friend harry were going hunting for a couple of weeks, after not getting anything in the first week they decided to hunt closer to home.
Still after not getting anything they decided to go back to Bob's house...
On the way back Bob noticed that there was a strange car in his drive way next to his wife's car. Bob asked his friend to look through the sniper lens and see if he could see anything...His friend replied
Harry: "Your wife is cheating on you with another man!"
Bob: "That bitch, shoot her in her head and shoot him in his dick so that he can never do this to another mans wife again!!"
Harry: "Okay cool, I can get that in one shot."
Still after not getting anything they decided to go back to Bob's house...
On the way back Bob noticed that there was a strange car in his drive way next to his wife's car. Bob asked his friend to look through the sniper lens and see if he could see anything...His friend replied
Harry: "Your wife is cheating on you with another man!"
Bob: "That bitch, shoot her in her head and shoot him in his dick so that he can never do this to another mans wife again!!"
Harry: "Okay cool, I can get that in one shot."
Showing 311 to 320 of 341 jokes.
