People -
Jokes about professions, famous people, etc.
The Lawyer and his BMW
So a lawyer is about to drive to his next case. When he opens the door, a drunken driver zooms in and takes the car door right off its hinges. The lawyer screams and runs after the drunk, but he rounded a corner, and the lawyer lost him. When he came back to where his car was parked, he saw that his car was stolen. He started hyperventilating, but he managed to call 911. He told them what had happened, and the operator told him the cops were on their way.
When the policemen came, they saw the lawyer on the ground, gasping and murmurming, "My... my BMW..."
Then one of the officers noticed that the lawyer's left arm was missing.
"What do you think happened to his arm?" he said to the other officer.
"Well, maybe it got knocked off with the car door of his BMW," inferred the second officer.
"Well, he certainly doesn't seem to mind, does he?" said the first officer. "He just cares about his fancy car. Feh. How typical of lawyers, so materialistic."
Then he called over to the lawyer, "Hey, buddy, are you aware that your left arm is missing?"
The lawyer jumped at these words, then slowly turned his head to the little bleeding stump that was what was left of his arm. He gaspes again, and then stammered, "My... M-my Rolex..."
So a lawyer is about to drive to his next case. When he opens the door, a drunken driver zooms in and takes the car door right off its hinges. The lawyer screams and runs after the drunk, but he rounded a corner, and the lawyer lost him. When he came back to where his car was parked, he saw that his car was stolen. He started hyperventilating, but he managed to call 911. He told them what had happened, and the operator told him the cops were on their way.
When the policemen came, they saw the lawyer on the ground, gasping and murmurming, "My... my BMW..."
Then one of the officers noticed that the lawyer's left arm was missing.
"What do you think happened to his arm?" he said to the other officer.
"Well, maybe it got knocked off with the car door of his BMW," inferred the second officer.
"Well, he certainly doesn't seem to mind, does he?" said the first officer. "He just cares about his fancy car. Feh. How typical of lawyers, so materialistic."
Then he called over to the lawyer, "Hey, buddy, are you aware that your left arm is missing?"
The lawyer jumped at these words, then slowly turned his head to the little bleeding stump that was what was left of his arm. He gaspes again, and then stammered, "My... M-my Rolex..."
Ginger
My ginger son asked me the other day why I always call his brother Michael "Mike" or "Mikey" and why I call his brother Thomas "Tom" or "Tommy."
"Well" I said. "Those are just short variations of their names. Like saying phone instead of telephone."
"Oh I get it" he said. "Now I know why you always call me Dick, dad. It's an abbreviation for my name."
"Ughh, yeah. That's exactly why, James."
My ginger son asked me the other day why I always call his brother Michael "Mike" or "Mikey" and why I call his brother Thomas "Tom" or "Tommy."
"Well" I said. "Those are just short variations of their names. Like saying phone instead of telephone."
"Oh I get it" he said. "Now I know why you always call me Dick, dad. It's an abbreviation for my name."
"Ughh, yeah. That's exactly why, James."
TRUE STORY
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.
It was late and Charlie was about to climb into bed when his wife informed him that there was a light on in their garden shed. Charlie started to go outside to turn off the light but noticed some people in the shed who were busy stealing his things.
He ran back inside right away and called the cops, who asked him "Are there any intruders in your house?" to which Charlie replied no and explained his circumstances. The cops told Charlie that all patrol cars were otherwise occupied, and that he should just lock his door and a uniformed cop would be at his house when one was free.
Charlie answered, "Alright," hung up, waited 30 seconds, and then called the cops again.
"Hello, I just called a short while ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. I want to let you know that they're not a problem anymore because I've just shot every one of them."
Charlie then hung up the phone. In five short minutes, three patrol cars, a SWAT team, and an ambulance arrived, and Of course, the cops caught the burglars in the act.
One of the cops snapped at Charlie: "I thought you said that you shot every one of them!"
"I thought you said there were no patrol cars free!" Charlie answered.
Science
One day my friend and I were studying for our science final and I asked her a vocabulary question: what is matter? Nothin what is the matter with u!!!!
One day my friend and I were studying for our science final and I asked her a vocabulary question: what is matter? Nothin what is the matter with u!!!!
Meanie...
One of the meanest things a person could do these days; removing them from your friends list. Shame...
One of the meanest things a person could do these days; removing them from your friends list. Shame...
Funny
Ok so this man calls home. The maid picks up and says hello? The man says who is this.the maid.then the man said we don't have a maid . The woman hired me this afternoon. Oh said the man. Can I speak to my wife? The maid said She is in the back room with some other man. Then the man said go get the shotgun from my desk and shoot both of them. The maid shot both came back and said where do I put them? The man said put them in tue swimming pool. Then the maid said y'all don't have a swimming pool. The man said oops sorry wrong number bye.
Ok so this man calls home. The maid picks up and says hello? The man says who is this.the maid.then the man said we don't have a maid . The woman hired me this afternoon. Oh said the man. Can I speak to my wife? The maid said She is in the back room with some other man. Then the man said go get the shotgun from my desk and shoot both of them. The maid shot both came back and said where do I put them? The man said put them in tue swimming pool. Then the maid said y'all don't have a swimming pool. The man said oops sorry wrong number bye.
Morals
The fith grade teacher gave her pupils an assignment : Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, miss! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
The fith grade teacher gave her pupils an assignment : Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories. Kathy said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made
a mess." "And what's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher. "Don't put all your eggs in one basket!" "Very good," said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, "Our family are farmers, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is, don't count your chickens until they're hatched." "That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?"
"Yes, miss! My daddy told me this story about my Aunt Marge. She was a flight engineer during Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a Machete. So .. she drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break. Then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed 70 of them with the machine gun until it ran out of bullets! Then she killed 20 more with the machete till the blade broke; then she killed the last 10 with her bare hands." "Good heavens," said the horrified teacher, "what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?" "Stay away from Aunt Marge when she's been drinking."
i think one of my dads is gay
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