Animal -
Jokes concerning animals
Parrot
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'". "That's obscene!", the priest exclaimed, I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that... that phrase in no time."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?". There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?", the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'". "That's obscene!", the priest exclaimed, I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that... that phrase in no time."
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?". There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
Shoot Em Down!
A man who went into a pet shop. He came across a parrot which had a sign saying:
"BEWARE. THIS PARROT REPEATS ANYTHING YOU SAY!"
The man says "Hello" and the parrot repeats. He goes up to the counter and says to the shopkeeper "I shall buy this parrot".
After buying it he decides to go on a walk, when they stop abruptly beacause a robber runs past. Seconds later, a policeman runs past yelling "SHOOT EM DOWN! SHOOT EM DOWN!" So the parrot repeats, "SHOOT EM DOWN! SHOOT EM DOWN!"
Then they continue and come across a truck loading, and there is a man saying, "BRING EM UP! BRING EM UP!". So the parrot then goes, "BRING EM UP! BRING EM UP!"
Then they head to a fair, where there is a man at a stall shouting, "HIT A BIG ONE AND SCORE A PRIZE!". The parrot again repeats, "HIT A BIG ONE AND SCORE A PRIZE!"
The next day, Sunday, the man takes his parrot to church where a vicar is reading. The vicar says, "Thank you lord for all of the good things in life!" then the parrot goes "SHOOT EM DOWN! SHOOT EM DOWN!
The vicar is slightly annoyed but continues. He says "Thank you lord for keeping the devil down!". The parrot goes "BRING EM UP! BRING EM UP!
The vicar is furious now and throws the bible at the parrot. The parrot ducks and the bible hits a fat woman behind it. The parrot goes, "HIT A BIG ONE AND SCORE A PRIZE!
A man who went into a pet shop. He came across a parrot which had a sign saying:
"BEWARE. THIS PARROT REPEATS ANYTHING YOU SAY!"
The man says "Hello" and the parrot repeats. He goes up to the counter and says to the shopkeeper "I shall buy this parrot".
After buying it he decides to go on a walk, when they stop abruptly beacause a robber runs past. Seconds later, a policeman runs past yelling "SHOOT EM DOWN! SHOOT EM DOWN!" So the parrot repeats, "SHOOT EM DOWN! SHOOT EM DOWN!"
Then they continue and come across a truck loading, and there is a man saying, "BRING EM UP! BRING EM UP!". So the parrot then goes, "BRING EM UP! BRING EM UP!"
Then they head to a fair, where there is a man at a stall shouting, "HIT A BIG ONE AND SCORE A PRIZE!". The parrot again repeats, "HIT A BIG ONE AND SCORE A PRIZE!"
The next day, Sunday, the man takes his parrot to church where a vicar is reading. The vicar says, "Thank you lord for all of the good things in life!" then the parrot goes "SHOOT EM DOWN! SHOOT EM DOWN!
The vicar is slightly annoyed but continues. He says "Thank you lord for keeping the devil down!". The parrot goes "BRING EM UP! BRING EM UP!
The vicar is furious now and throws the bible at the parrot. The parrot ducks and the bible hits a fat woman behind it. The parrot goes, "HIT A BIG ONE AND SCORE A PRIZE!
Skunks
Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?"
To which the second skunk calmly replied, "Let us spray."
Look over there! Said the frightened skunk to his pal. "There's a human with a gun, and he's getting closer and closer! What are we going to do?"
To which the second skunk calmly replied, "Let us spray."
Ducks
There were three guys who were in heaven and there was only one rule: don't step on the ducks. The first guy stepped on a duck and he was cuffed to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. The second guy said he would never step on a duck, but… he did and he was cuffed to an even UGLIER woman! The last guy said he would never step on a duck, and he never did. However, one day he was cuffed to the most beautiful woman in the world, and he had to ask, "What did I ever to deserve a woman as beautiful as you?"
She said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
There were three guys who were in heaven and there was only one rule: don't step on the ducks. The first guy stepped on a duck and he was cuffed to the ugliest woman he'd ever seen. The second guy said he would never step on a duck, but… he did and he was cuffed to an even UGLIER woman! The last guy said he would never step on a duck, and he never did. However, one day he was cuffed to the most beautiful woman in the world, and he had to ask, "What did I ever to deserve a woman as beautiful as you?"
She said, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."
Sweet Parrot
Just before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a special present for his wife.
The pet store owner tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that can sing Christmas carols. He ushers the husband over to a colourful but very quiet bird. The man agrees with the pet store owner that Chet is certainly pretty, but he doesn't seem to be up much for singing a tune. The owner of the pet store tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The owner clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. The bird Chet immediately responds by singing at the top of its voice; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing qualities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now breaks into tune again singing "Jingle Bells." The husband now even more excited says Chet is the ideal gift for his wife and buys him.
The husband speeds home as fast as his feet will take him to give his wife this wonderful gift. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, what he had seen the pet store owner do he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." Then moving the lighter under the right foot Chet starts singing a chorus of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is impressed, and with a naughty grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's both legs. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the parrot begins to sing---
Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
Just before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a special present for his wife.
The pet store owner tells him he has just what he's looking for; a beautiful parrot named Chet that can sing Christmas carols. He ushers the husband over to a colourful but very quiet bird. The man agrees with the pet store owner that Chet is certainly pretty, but he doesn't seem to be up much for singing a tune. The owner of the pet store tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lighter.
The owner clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left foot. The bird Chet immediately responds by singing at the top of its voice; "Silent Night, Holy Night." The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing qualities and watches as the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now breaks into tune again singing "Jingle Bells." The husband now even more excited says Chet is the ideal gift for his wife and buys him.
The husband speeds home as fast as his feet will take him to give his wife this wonderful gift. He presents Chet and starts to explain the parrot's special talent. Demonstrating, what he had seen the pet store owner do he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings "Silent Night." Then moving the lighter under the right foot Chet starts singing a chorus of "Jingle Bells."
The wife is impressed, and with a naughty grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter between Chet's both legs. Curious the husband moves the lighter between the bird's legs, and the parrot begins to sing---
Chet's Nuts Roasting on an Open Fire!
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